MELBOURNE — With crime still running wild in Victoria despite relaxed bail laws, machete amnesty bins and endless government reassurance, fed-up Melbourne residents have started protecting their homes by shitting on their lawns.
Prahran homeowner Steve M. says the move was logical.
“Crims aren’t scared of police anymore,” he said. “They’re scared of dogs. So I improvised.”
Steve now strategically places “evidence” near his gate to suggest a large, aggressive dog with serious digestive problems. Locals say the method appears more effective than CCTV, alarms or current government policy.
The trend comes as repeat offenders continue to cycle in and out of custody, while machete bins achieve nothing beyond functioning as convenient weapon storage.
Other residents are escalating. Some scatter chewed thongs and empty dog food tins for authenticity, while others are hiring anti-cooker campaigners and furries to patrol their yards overnight, barking aggressively at strangers and screaming about misinformation for added deterrence.