ABC management has reportedly offered staff a paid mental health day following the shock One Nation victory in the Farrer by-election, with distraught employees struggling to process the horrifying reality that regional Australians continue refusing to vote correctly.
Several journalists were allegedly seen crying into reusable coffee cups after One Nation candidate David Farley secured the seat, despite weeks of coverage explaining why voters shouldn’t.
According to insiders, the ABC election panel quickly cut away from Farley’s victory speech moments after he began outlining actual policies, returning instead to a special discussion panel titled: “How Could Rural People Keep Doing This To Us?”
The Albanese Broadcasting Network briefly split coverage between mourning the result and quietly celebrating the fact conservative parties continue cannibalising each other.
“This is deeply concerning for democracy,” one political analyst said, before clarifying that democracy is only healthy when approved candidates win.
ABC executives reportedly emailed staff shortly after the result became official.
“I know many of you would be triggered right now,” the message read.
“That’s why all employees wearing keffiyehs or colourful-rimmed glasses are encouraged to take a fully paid mental health day.”
Additional wellbeing measures were also introduced, including breathing exercises, emergency counselling dogs, and a recommendation that staff avoid eye contact with rural Australians for at least 72 hours.
“Under no circumstances should employees interact with farmers, tradies, or pensioners,” the internal memo warned.
“These people may be members of dark political forces.”
Meanwhile, viewers watched Liberal Senator James Paterson aggressively confronting an elderly One Nation volunteer pensioner during coverage of the campaign, leading many conservatives to conclude the Liberals are now willing to stoop just as low as Labor in their attempts to destroy rival conservative movements.
Political commentators were particularly devastated by suggestions One Nation may seek to defund the ABC if their influence continues growing.
“Many staff are worried they may only have a few years left to pedal Albanese propaganda before taxpayers stop funding it,” one anonymous producer admitted while stress-ordering soy chai lattes on Uber Eats.
At the time of publication, the ABC had announced a new four-part documentary examining the rise of “extremism” among Australians who would simply like cheaper groceries and lower power bills.