MELBOURNE, VIC – Joggers in Fitzroy Gardens were left horrified this morning after a self-proclaimed eco-warrior allegedly violated the personal space of a gum tree without consent, in what activists are already calling a “botanical hate crime.”
Paul Redwood (33), described by neighbours as the type who “chains himself to bulldozers but still drives a Subaru,” was accused of aggressively hugging the native gum without first seeking permission.
One witness told reporters he was forced to intervene:
The runner, still out of breath and shadow boxing in front of ABC cameras, insisted the jogging community had become the “frontline of flora protection”
The runner bragged, “If I didn’t step in, that gum would’ve been at second base by now.”
But the incident sparked chaos online after activists demanded equal outrage for “marginalised, foreign-born trees.” The newly formed Chinese Trees Matter Society condemned what they called “xeno-arborism,” insisting council parks were “unsafe spaces” for imported pines and oaks.
Meanwhile, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese weighed in from The Big Bush conference in Wagga Wagga, vowing a $4 billion inquiry into the “consent rights of both native and non-native trees,” while Greens leader Adam Bandt proposed bio-degradable QR codes be stapled to trunks so park-goers can request permission before hugging.
Hollywood accidentally joined the fracas when Chris Hemsworth tweeted “All Trees Matter”. Within minutes he was mobbed online and forced into a shirtless apology video, which drew 1.2 million likes and several marriage proposals.
Conservatives dismissed the saga as yet another case of “inner-city lefties finding racism in the shrubbery,” while some councils are already considering installing “tree-safe zones” complete with gender-neutral signage.
Edgar Jones, philosopher and founding member of #ChineseTreesMatter, summed it up:
“Until some pervert has a three-way with a Brazilian Cherry and an African Olive, the struggle continues.”