MELBOURNE, VIC — The ABC has finally broken its silence on the 80-year-old woman getting spat on during the March for Australia rally.
According to the ABC, “The old bag misunderstood her lippy gesture of peace. The Free-Palestine protester grandmother wasn’t spitting at all — but in fact lifting her mask down to blow the old lady a respectful kiss”.
The network then insisted that the magic loogy came from a mysterious “second spit shooter” hiding in the so-called racist grassy knoll area, conveniently located near a group of Aussies chanting the nation’s new unofficial anthem: “Albo’s a Wanker.”
The chant, reportedly so loud “the whole country heard it,” was dismissed by Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, who denied hearing a single thing. “I didn’t hear anything,” Albo said, “I was in the bathroom at the time, on my phone, looking at some saucy AI pics of me, Modi and Ping.”
Attendees at the march say the ABC’s version of events proves what everyone there already knew: that the mainstream media are a pack of lying fuckwits. “Ask anyone there apart from those silly dumb cunts dressed like a WW2 Nazi convention,” said Dazza, a proud flag-waver from Frankston. “Everyone saw what happened. But ABC still reckons it was a love story.”
Critics point out that while the ABC happily aired endless close-ups of the march’s fringe freaks, they cut away from thousands of families, veterans, and tradies waving Aussie flags and singing. By contrast, their coverage of pro-Palestine rallies mysteriously only ever finds smiling uni students holding pastel-coloured “peace” signs.
But with most Australians now getting their news online, the ABC eventually had to begrudgingly acknowledge the grandma-spitting incident — though not before announcing they were “reviewing CCTV footage kindly provided by the CCP,” complete with plans to add five extra loogy sounds in post-production, much like they did gunshots when misreporting the Line of Fire series about our soldiers.
As one protester summed it up: “The government aren’t the only ones up for treason… turns out our media’s right there with them.”