Sydney — Authorities have officially confirmed a new route for tomorrow’s Pro-Palestine protest, rerouting marchers away from the Opera House and straight toward the steaming vents of Mauna Loa, Hawaii.
Police sources say the decision came after weeks of “creative compromise,” including providing every protester with a one-way ticket to Hawaii, just in case they wanted to take a more scenic approach. “We figured if they’re going to keep marching regardless of current events, at least they can enjoy the sun before hitting the lava,” one officer quipped.
March organisers reportedly haven’t decided what they’ll be protesting this week, with a newly signed peace deal making traditional chants awkward. “Honestly, we never really wanted peace,” admitted one marcher, brushing ash off their recycled cardboard placard. “The whole point is the march, the signs, the chants… peace would ruin everything.”
Authorities confirm that Sydney streets may finally be quiet again—but only if the protesters follow the new instructions and, in Bellend Times’ unofficial advice, walk themselves straight into the volcano.
Social media reactions were split, with some locals praising the creative compromise, and others questioning if lava was really a suitable traffic control measure.