In yet another stunning twist of honesty-optional politics, Anthony Albanese has quietly shelved his big “Republic push” — not because of tradition, the constitution, or the Queen’s corgis — but because Prince Charles allegedly whispered the devastating truth: “Presidents don’t get to rule forever, Old boy.”
According to insiders, Albo went pale when he realised all his policies of buying votes — forgiving student debt, opening the gates for record immigration, and forcing Tony Burke to cut ribbons at citizenship ceremonies — would mean nothing if he one day had to pack up his office and actually leave.
“What’s the point of dismantling Western democracy if I’m going to be turfed out after a few years?” the PM was overheard muttering.
Labor strategists were reportedly furious, pointing out that the master plan relies on a united front: endless spending, endless bureaucracy, and branding anyone with common sense as “far-right extremists” or “white supremacists,” regardless of background. “We can’t keep calling grandma in Dubbo a fascist forever without Albo leading the charge,” one anonymous staffer complained.
Meanwhile, rather than face 100,000 boos at the AFL Grand Final, Albo jetted off to meet his new best mate, UK PM Keir Starmer. On the agenda: how to sneak digital IDs into Australia before voters catch on — and how to make sure neither of them ever has to watch a footy crowd give their approval rating in real time.
One thing’s clear: Australia’s Republic dream isn’t dead because of the monarchy. It’s dead because even Albo realised democracy’s greatest flaw — sometimes the people get to decide when you’ve had enough.