MELBOURNE — In a bold display of action, the federal government has promised to ban vodka, matches, limit guns, and even remove the flint from Zippo lighters following the latest antisemitic firebombing. Addressing the root causes of antisemitism or launching a royal commission? Too slow, too messy, too revealing. Ministers insist they simply don’t have the time.
A government spokesperson declared: “We are willing to do absolutely anything to help the Jewish community — immediately. Vodka, matches, lighters — all of it. Royal commissions take months, sometimes years, and would unleash all sorts of corruption. We’re here to act now, not investigate.”
Critics say the measures are performative and miss the point entirely, targeting flammable objects while ignoring hate, radicalisation, and systemic failures. Analysts note this is classic Canberra: regulate what’s convenient, ignore what’s hard.
Jewish community leaders cautiously welcomed the gesture, acknowledging the intent but noting that actual protection requires confronting the people behind the attacks, not removing their Zippo lighters or weekend drinks.
Meanwhile, Canberra continues drafting further measures, including tighter limits on flammable liquids, alcohol restrictions, and stricter controls on sparkable devices, in a bureaucratic display of doing something while avoiding anything that might take real effort or expose corruption.