Brunswick, VIC
A 24-year-old woman from Melbourne’s north has burnt her rental to the ground after attempting to cleanse it of “bad vibes” using a sage stick.
Fire crews were called to Albion Rd around 10pm last night, followed inexplicably by the Police Strip Search Division — who, sources say, were “just passing through anyway.”
The tenant, Janis Jupiter, was treated at Royal Melbourne Hospital for minor burns. One officer described her condition as “still attractive.”
Sage smudging has long been used in Native American ceremonies to remove urine odour from their casinos, and more recently in Brunswick to mask the smell of bong water and neglected compost bins.
With the rise of new-age faiths such as Marxism, frowning competitions, and waving fists at middle class elderly people, it’s no surprise that Brunswick locals now see their sage messiah as a higher authority than their landlord.
According to firefighter Matt McConnel, “About three quarters of East Brunswick house fires start when a burning sage stick gets lobbed into a dreamcatcher. Doesn’t take much — sometimes just the sight of a Jordan Peterson paperback left behind by an Airbnb guest is enough to send them into a flailing fit.”
Ms Jupiter is expected to make a full recovery, according to her horoscope.