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Health
Politicians Flood Social Media With Their “Comedy” Skits To Push Under-16s Offline
Australia’s new under-16 social media ban has barely begun, but politicians have already taken matters into their own hands—by flooding every platform with painfully unfunny “comedy” skits to scare teenagers offline.
Feeds across TikTok, Instagram and YouTube were hit immediately. Albo led the charge with yet another Legally Blonde lip-sync, performed alongside influencers who looked like they wanted witness protection. Teen screen time reportedly dropped within minutes.
The Greens followed with interpretive climate dances, while various premiers released dad-joke duets and baffling POV clips that experts say “may permanently cure phone addiction.”
An eSafety spokesperson called the rollout “highly effective,” noting that teens are now voluntarily going outside, talking to their parents, and even doing homework to avoid another 30 seconds of politician content.
More skits are expected, including rumoured bipartisan lip-syncs. Under-16s are advised to stay offline until the cringe cloud passes.
Economy
PM Vows To Crack Down On Labor Tax Spending As Soon As The $130M Direct Road To His Waterfront Mansion Is Complete
Prime Minister Temu Trotsky has promised to finally stop Labor’s tax waste — scheduled to begin once the $130 million direct road to his waterfront mansion is finished.
Albo insisted taxpayer dollars will soon be safe: “We are serious about stopping wasteful spending. Naturally, this can only happen after my very important driveway is complete.”
Meanwhile, Anika “Sky-Worker” Wells keeps flying around the country on taxpayer-funded trips for various “like, seriously urgent work commitments,” highlighting that while the PM waits for his road, party colleagues are free to jet-set at public expense.
