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Health
Politicians Flood Social Media With Their “Comedy” Skits To Push Under-16s Offline
Australia’s new under-16 social media ban has barely begun, but politicians have already taken matters into their own hands—by flooding every platform with painfully unfunny “comedy” skits to scare teenagers offline.
Feeds across TikTok, Instagram and YouTube were hit immediately. Albo led the charge with yet another Legally Blonde lip-sync, performed alongside influencers who looked like they wanted witness protection. Teen screen time reportedly dropped within minutes.
The Greens followed with interpretive climate dances, while various premiers released dad-joke duets and baffling POV clips that experts say “may permanently cure phone addiction.”
An eSafety spokesperson called the rollout “highly effective,” noting that teens are now voluntarily going outside, talking to their parents, and even doing homework to avoid another 30 seconds of politician content.
More skits are expected, including rumoured bipartisan lip-syncs. Under-16s are advised to stay offline until the cringe cloud passes.
Economy
Communists Baffled After Their Economic Policies Wreck Economy
CANBERRA — Treasurer Jim Chalmers and Prime Minister Anthony Albanese say they’re “struggling to understand” why inflation and interest rates keep rising, despite what they describe as “record-breaking government spending to fix it.”
“We’ve pumped money into everything — NDIS, handouts, public sector growth — and yet prices keep going up,” Chalmers said. “It just doesn’t add up.”
The government has instead pointed to the war in Iran as the main cause, despite the Reserve Bank basing its latest rate decisions on inflation data from before the conflict began.
Critics say the real issue is overspending, with billions flowing into what they call a “propped-up NDIS economy,” questionable infrastructure — including roads that seem to conveniently benefit Albanese’s Central Coast retreat — and ongoing union influence.
Meanwhile, Social Services Minister Aneka Wells defended recent overseas meetings, including in the Maldives, saying they were “critical to understanding cost-of-living pressures.”
“If only we had some kind of historical evidence that centrally planned, high-spending economic models can spiral out of control,” Chalmers said, gesturing vaguely toward places like the Soviet Union and more recent examples like Venezuela and Cuba. “Unfortunately, this appears to be completely new territory.”
Despite growing pressure, the government insists its strategy is working, announcing a new taxpayer-funded taskforce to investigate why everything is getting more expensive.
