CANBERRA – In what has been described as the most awkward Hallmark moment in diplomatic history, the Iranian regime has reportedly sent a glitter-covered “Thank You” card to the Albanese Government, expressing gratitude for millions in taxpayer-funded aid that was “put to excellent use” in helping Iranian proxies carry out bombings on Jewish buildings in Australia.
The card, allegedly handwritten in Farsi with a cheeky winking emoji, reportedly included the line: “Next time, save the postage. Cut out the middle man and do it yourself .”
Inside, the regime extended its “warmest regards” not just to Canberra, but directly to Australian taxpayers: “Thanks for sending your hard-earned dollars across the world instead of to your hospitals and roads. Every cent counts. ”
As the card was ceremoniously read aloud in Parliament, Tony Burke proudly held it up before first stepping over a homeless family camped on the steps, and then falling into a pothole.
Opposition MPs said the gesture was “the clearest admission yet” that Labor had gone from figuratively blowing itself up to literally funding people who blow us up.
Prime Minister Albanese, meanwhile, attempted to keep a straight face while declaring, “We will always stand with the Jewish people.” Before making a paper aeroplane out of the many letters the liberal party sent him warning them of the regime.
Meanwhile, Iran’s foreign minister closed his thank-you note with a final flourish: “Looking forward to our next collaboration. You guys are blowing up faster than your housing market.”