Canberra — Immigration Minister Tony Burke has reportedly entered Day Three of his “full and comprehensive nighttime content-review operation,” refusing to make a decision on Bonnie Blue’s visa until he has, according to staff, “watched every last skit, stitch, reel, rant, rant-about-a-rant, and deleted Insta Story she’s ever posted.”
Sources from inside the Department say Burke has barricaded himself in his office with a doona, a government-issued iPad, and a Woolies mud cake, claiming he is performing “essential overtime for national security.”
“Look, mate, anyone can rubber-stamp a visa,” Burke allegedly said through the door.
“But I am committed to the Australian people. If that means binge-watching 480 hours of Bonnie Blue content until my eyes twitch like a pokie machine, then so be it.”
Staff say every time someone knocks, he just yells,
“NOT NOW — I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF A 38-MINUTE BONNIE BLUE MONOLOGUE ABOUT AIRPORT TOILETS.”
Burke’s ‘Selective Entry’ Back in Spotlight
Observers have noted that Burke seems unusually dedicated to thoroughly reviewing Bonnie Blue, especially considering his department’s… let’s call it “enthusiastic energy” in blocking outspoken conservative commentators in the past.
One staffer, requesting anonymity, said:
“He’s in there yelling, ‘I’m being fair, see? I didn’t even watch half of that conservative black woman’s videos before knocking her back!’”
The Department has since clarified that they do not comment on “individual cases,” but also noted that “the Minister is now on his seventh espresso and should not be approached.”
Visa Decision Timeline Unclear
At the time of writing, the visa remains on hold, with no clear ETA.
Security reports Burke has requested:
- A standing desk
- Blue-light glasses
- And “the full Bonnie catalogue in 4K if possible”
One senior bureaucrat summed up the mood in the building:
“Honestly, we’re all hoping Bonnie just posts a summary video so he can get on with his job.”